[This is what I want and I'll commit to it]
Ok, so Prelim is approaching. 2 more weeks to go. Life sucks, men... I don't think I can finish the whole syllabus in 2 weeks. I keep asking myself "what if". What if I don't do well? What if I don't have the chance to go for a JC that I want? What if my life turns out to be so pathetic that I end up being a chimney sweeper? Do I have to migrate to Europe because there are not many chimneys in South East Asia?... You can see how deep I am submerged in the depression I cause to myself.
Let say... I'm not handling my relationship with my friends very well. In fact, I'm isolating myself. No need to get contact to H1N1 patients, I'm already quarantined. I'm trapped in perfectionist nature. At first I thought I would just keep my demure manner. I didn't want to be regarded as a little offensively insolent freak who disgruntles others by her obnoxious vociferousness. I don't want to be caught off guard. But in the end things didn't turn out as I planned. People think I'm bashful. Ok, I am easily abashed. I would rather stay the whole day abed rather than hanging out with others. I'm afraid of being censured, being reprimanded, being... rebuked! I'm fear of being judged as contemptuous, or rather brazen. I cannot stay calm, so I avoid others disturbing me so I would not disturb them.
And now I'm really loosing them. I thought I had a good inception. Yet, things turned from sweet to tender, and now nothing. Literally nothing. We meet. We greet. We smile. That's all. I always feel lonely. My spirit was like a godown infested by pests.
I admit I'm being harsh on myself. I have low self-esteem. I think myself is tottally of no good. I'm not opulent. I'm not bright. I loose my attention most of the time. I'm not able to produce any lucidity moment. I cannot hold on to my sanity. I hate everything. I hate the splendour sun. I hate the ornamental flowers and fish in my room. I hate my pushy school. I'm so misanthropic that I think everyone was sadistic and masochistic. To sum up, my life is totally messed up and stuck in a cul-de-sac with my negative thoughts. Every direction to me is a deadlock.
Then I seeked hope in books and movies, the two things that can always comfort me.
I started off reading the Twilight series. Once again, I fall for Edward Cullen. Keke. that guy is spotless. Resplendently gorgeous, obviously. Super damn rich some more. And he loved his girl the whole bloody hell. That's my type of guy. The guy who is... protective of me. I wish I will meet my own guy. Anyways, I have no immediate intention to change my single relationship status. As mom said, "You are not to fall for any guy unless you want his name to be inscribed [or rather scribbled] on the tombstone that I myself will put on your head if you don't do well for Os." I shall obey. That's sounds threatening and relatively offensive. But it's reasonable. All mothers are like this. I shouldn't expect nature to reverse herself, should I?
Then I watch "Pursuit of happiness" by Will Smith and his son. Both of them are lovely. The movie is about a guy named Christ Gardner and his son name Christopher. Christ started being a poor pathetic father who was reluctantly a widow. His wife didn't die, she just ran away for disappointment of her of-no-good hubby. But Christ had with no property. All that left was some X-ray machines that he sold to afford his and his son's basic needs. The father and the son had to queue for a place to sleep in the church. When there was no place to go, they slept in a toilet that Christ had to tricked his son that it was a cave. He even sold his blood. However, nothing could wrestle this guy. In the end, he was accepted to a company and from there he started up his career. I don't remember how long have I not cried for a movie before watching this. It makes me feel that I'm much happier than many people out there. It gives me a brandnew perspective of the meaning of happiness, of love. I learned that no matter how epic life seems to be, if you work hard enough and never demean your dignity, and most significantly, hold on to your diligence there's always a way. Tolerance can even win over demise, let alone some small troubles in life.
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